#4 is NOT a Girl

Boy oh boy, where to begin. I just want to get some thoughts and feelings down, so if you don't want to bother reading feel free not to, this is long.

Ever since I was a little girl, I remember loving my dolls and playing house and pretending to be a mother and always having girls of my own. As I got older I always assumed I'd have my children and some would be girls. By high school I had a name that I liked and thought I could pick that one day.

A few years later before Greg and I were engaged, he was driving me to the airport and I guess I had told him one of the names I wanted for a daughter. And he mentioned something about Joscelyn (who knows how we'd spell it) being in heaven waiting for us to be married so she could come down, kinda cheesy I guess. And then we started our family. It was great to have my 2 boys first, brothers growing up close and to be the oldest. Then I'd have my girls. And then Bodie came along and I was disappointed I wouldn't be able to use my other name "Alexis" Greg would call her Lexie for short. But we still had hope for a girl and have our Josilyn. (Greg wanted to call her Josie)

I know the odds for having a girl were cut way down. There are so many families we know out there with all one gender. Even the doctors say that it's no longer a 50/50 chance of what you'll get. When I found out my 3rd child was a boy, I knew that I'd be a family of boys. But all the while holding out hope for a girl.

During this 4th and last pregnancy I never really felt which gender it might be. Always saying it's probably a boy but we're still hoping for a girl. And really, my heart was set on a girl. I would dream of it. Then I'd stop myself and think, no no, don't go down that road.

We set the appointment a few days before the ultra-sound and I was very anxious to know the gender but at the same time, kinda dreading that day and what feelings I might have to endure. On Thursday the day before, I had a little break down and had a good cry. For the first time I had a real feeling that we were having a boy. I knew he would be another boy to add to the bunch.

The tears and sadness were not for the boy, but for the loss of this girl I would never have.

I've always said 4 children for us, we feel good about it and feel that we are done bearing children. Ready for that next phase in life of raising our family.

I know that Joselyn was imaginary, but I loved her. I've created all kinds of ideas in my head of what life would be like with a daughter. I already knew that I'd decorate her room white with some red accents. I'd thought about what I wanted to do for her baby quilt. And how she would be blessed in the heirloom blessing dress that I was blessed in, my mom and sister were blessed in, aunts, and cousins. I have kept all my Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbies and doll house furniture for my girls to have and play with.

I'd have a girl to take to dance, do her hair, dress up in pretty clothes and dresses. We'd love pink stuff together. And most of all, teach her brothers about cute little girls and what it's like to have a sister. She would be my princess and I'd love every minute of it!

I know it might seem silly and foolish. But it was a life long desire and dream. And now I actually miss and feel the loss and am grieving for a daughter who never was.

Sorry to sound so sad. But I am so sad. Not just to not have a little girl, but a teenage girl, and a daughter to throw a wedding for, to bond with, chat on the phone, and to take care of us when we're old. I'll have to try extra hard to have my boys remain mama's boys.

I love my children. And I love this baby I'm carrying. Seeing the pictures and the ultra-sound did bring me such great comfort. I feel kinda guilty for being so sad. I just can't help it.

We had prepped the ultra-sound tech on our desire for getting a girl. We joked with her and she joked with us about how it's all on Greg, it's his doing.

So she did some measurements and then asked Greg "what's your name again?".

And he answered "Greg".

And then she slugged him in the shoulder. And said "oh Greg! It's a boy."

My tears came immediately. I couldn't hold it back if I tried. Then his little thingy was very obvious and was seen the rest of the time.

But when I had that feeling when we found out Bodie's pregnancy was a boy and I knew I'd have a family of boys, I had that reassurance that it's ok and I am happy with my family of boys. The Lorenzon Boys!

Friday night we told the boys. I didn't want to do it earlier by myself. And Jaxon started bawling and was so sad because he wanted a sister. He kept saying it over and over. Greg didn't expect his reaction like that. We had a moment and talked things over with Jax. By the end he was ready to go play at McDonald's.

I do know the big picture. And I know we will have our family with what is meant to be for a reason. I felt like I was being a little selfish, the ultra-sound tech has 3 boys. And her youngest has Downs Syndrome. So I know I am so grateful to have 4 healthy children. I also know I'm not the only one without a daughter or other's don't have their son. It's crazy how now-a-days there are so many single gender families out there, more than ever before. Who knows the reason. And I know people have different situations and trials, married or not, having children of their own or not, loss, and things to come. So I know I am blessed.

Now I also want to mention, that I don't care about girls hormones and drama, and how I don't have to buy all new stuff. I actually want and would welcome all of that. So that's no comfort. I will get over this in time like anything else. But again, I just wanted to share my thoughts of my heartache, for posterity I guess.

Now we might have a name picked, which is a huge obstacle. But nothing is certain yet.

I love my boys and truly look forward to April when I can have another bundle of joy to have in our overloaded testosterone home. :)